what i'm afraid of..

it's not that i'm afraid of things that might live between us..

i'm afraid of thing that i'm probably not capable of doing :

Loving.

whisper on the go..

on the way back..
I wishper quietly to the wind, sun and small river..
to the trees, farm and lush green in the wild..

i whisper them through the glass window..

please, don't change..

and stay that way..

di Ramadhan ini..

Kalau ditanya apa yang berbeda dalam ramadhan kali ini, saya akan jawab : banyak.

This is my first Ramadhan away from home.

Jauh di Bandung sementara keluarga hampir seluruhnya berada di Cirebon. Sahur dengan menu terbatas dan mungkin itu-itu aja (so far mengingat di awal ramadhan minim penjual makanan untuk sahur).

Waktu masih kerja di Cirebon dulu, saya mungkin beberapa kali nggak sahur bareng keluarga di rumah. Tapi itu cuma satu atau dua hari. Dan kalaupun iya saya sahur/buka puasa di luar, kadang ibu 'maksa' saya bawa bekal supaya saya nggak repot jajan di luar.
Saya dulu memang rada baong, walopun sudah diberi bekal tetap jajan di luar.
Tanpa menyadari kalau setelah jauh begini saya kangen semua itu. Tarawih dikelilingi wajah-wajah familiar yang sudah ada sejak kita bayi. Buka puasa dan sahur bareng keluarga, dengan masakan khas ibu dan Uwak-bibi yang emang jago masak. Mendengarkan celotehan adek bungsu yang pingin ikutan sahur tapi ngedumel kalo dibangunin jam tiga.
Saya kangen itu semua.

Setelah jauh, seseorang memang baru menyadari berjuta hal yang ia tinggalkan.

Tapi bukan Ramadhan bila hanya digunakan untuk nelangsa karena keadaan rantau yang bikin keki.
Ada berjuta ibadah dengan berkali-kali lipat pahala yang sedang di-sale di bulan baik ini. Ada satu malam yang dilelang bagi siapapun yang cukup beruntung hingga bisa mendapat keistimewaan seribu bulan.

Ramadhan memang ngangenin. Dimanapun saya sekarang. Walau doa yang kian memendek dalam rutinitas tarawih di tempat yang baru, walau harus dihujani ujian emosi di tempat kerja, walau kadang ada ketidaksukaan menjalar dalam hati, walau irama tadarus hanya samar terdengar.

Ramadhan ini tetap berarti.

live well, Neng..

Yesterday the youngest patient in my oncology ward was sent home. She was just 13 years-old. She first was suspected having malignant ovarian tumor and scheduled for surgical treatment. Her surgery went well. Though she didn't recover that fast.
After a week we got the result of her frozen section from pathology anatomy. And it was 4th stadium of ovarian cancer.
After an incomplete surgical treatment, doctors decided that she would have chemotherapy.
Then chemotherapy she had.
It was five long and tiring days of chemotherapy. Plus almost a month long for pre and post surgery care.
She was like our little unlucky sister.

Her smile was huge at last time when she and i passed at hospital corridor. Her family greeted and thanked me for helping and caring their daughter.
Pure, joyous smile. Full of hope of having a good life in the future.
A smile that put a shame on me. I was thinking that while she fighted hard to just stay alive with all those malignancy that eat her body, i --in the good state of health-- sometimes complain and worry to silly things.

Whether my job is good enough. Whether my salary is high enough. Whether i'm good enough so that old-look bodypack owner would find me attractive.
Those things.

Which i found less alive compared to her struggle for life. I seemed ungrateful to what God has given to me.

So, Neng, keep smiling sweetheart. And stay alive. Be strong.

Live well.